Family...a word that means so much to some and so little to many. My whole life I have always had this vision that I had a close family. The last few years have opened my eyes to truths that are far from what I had in mind as a close family. Isn't it amazing how as a child and younger adult you see things totally different than what they are. I think that is why God tells us in the bible to be like small children! They handle and see things much better than adults do.....something to think about?
Anywho.....To start, let me give you a small background. You might get lost, but that's okay. There are still some days I can't keep us all straight! My grandmother, Margie Lantz, had 8 children! 2 beautiful girls and 6 handsome boys! One of the boys, Kenny Lee, is my dad! He is the 2nd to the youngest. Jason, the baby passed when he was 2 years old. So fast forward a lot of years and you have my grandmother, who is 90 years old and has 8 children, 18 grandchildren (I call us the originals), 27 great grandchildren, and 7 great great children! WOW!!!! That is amazing to me that one person can bring this much life!
I know some of you are saying, "Wait, I thought you were the only grandchild on both sides.....) I am! I am the only Bennett Grandchild...There were a few husbands in the mix of all these blessings, but we won't go into that and who am I to judge? I was never in my Grandmother's shoes. It is strange that I am an only grandchild on my mom's side and the only on my dad's dad side! Have I lost you yet?
Back to the fam...Growing up we always, we meaning Dad, Momma, and Me, were at Grandma's. I honestly can't remember a holiday/ weekend that we were not with my dad's family. ( I even spent every spring break and summers at grandma's) Our big holiday get togethers were Easter, Mother's Day, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. These were those times during the year that the WHOLE clan got together. My grandmother's house is small, and we would have so many people crammed in, it would be busting at the seams. And I LOVED it. I can remember being almost giddy the night before each of these holidays. All the wonderful food, all of my family...I mean what more could a girl want? Some of the holidays, so many of us would spend the night we would have pallets all over the floors. I would wake up to the sounds of grandma starting the bread or dressing at 5am. Being one of the youngest grandchildren, I would be so excited to see everyone and I craved the attention of all my older cousins. I thought my Aunt's were the most beautiful things ever with their long painted nails, and fancy hair. To some this would have been an event of chaos but to me it was comfort. During these days, I was so happy nothing could bring me down and I had no idea of the heartache and pain that was dwelling in our family.
As I became a teenager a shift started to happen. People started going different ways. Grandma's house wasn't full to the brim, and I began to sense that there was more to our family than I had ever known. All the years growing up, I was closer to some than others. In the town of Strawberry where my Grandmother lives, my two uncles and their families live there also, so it was just natural that I was closer to them. And boy was I thankful for them. 3 boy cousins, and me right in the middle. Everywhere they went, I went. 4 wheelers, dirt bikes, mud, fishin, back roading...You name it, we did it. Even in our late teenage years we still did life together. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
Even being close to the family we had, there was still this longing for more. Still a longing for a family that was close and did life. Yes, we did these holidays together but that was it. Nothing else. I honestly can't even explain the feeling. It was like we were all there, we ate, we left and that was it until the next go around. I think being an only child, I crave a belonging and acceptance that is hard to explain. I found a journal from a few years before I met Matthew, that was asking God to please provide me a husband that was close to his family and possibly even had sisters that would accept and love me like I was one of their own....He did answer some of that prayer. God works in funny ways.
As the years have past, we have had many heart aches in our family. We have had lots of loss. We have had lots of pain. There are still many things that I have no idea about, and honestly don't want to know. In between all of the pain and heartache, we have had some wonderful things. There have been several reconnections. We have had lots of laughs, and we have made lots of new memories. I have been praying for God to tear down walls, and to heal in so many areas. There is so much good we are missing out on.
One thing I have learned over the last few years is that family is everything. No matter the faults. No matter the drama. No matter what is going on, none of that matters. We are called to love each other. It's so simple, yet so hard for many.
Grandma Margie and I had some awesome conversations in the hospital last week. One of my favorites..(this is improvised) She told me that she loved all of her kids and grandkids so much that she would never turn her back on them, and when they came back to her she would be there waiting with open arms. She said she never holds on to hurt from the past. She said that she knows she has made a lot of mistakes, but her kids and grandkids were never mistakes and she is so grateful for each and every one of us, even the ones who don't speak to her....
This my friends is family! This is grace. This is love........
My advise for the night.....In the midst of trouble/pain/or whatever else just cry! Let it out...It doesn't matter who is around or who sees you..just cry! It will make you feel better! Oh and tell people you love them! :)
