Anywho, today's post may not be the happiest post you have ever read, but it is something that I feel needs to be shared. We all have battles we face in life. Alcohol, anger, lust, faithfulness, trust, and many things in between. My battle is anxiety and depression. I call it the "ugly monster".
This monster has been a part of me since I was little. I honestly didn't think that I had anxiety issues when I was little, but the older I have gotten I just realized that it showed up in different forms. Weather use to give me severe anxiety. I mean to the point that if a cloud came up in the sky, I would be crying in the closet. After getting over the weather, Hurricane Katrina hit, anxiety hit majorly over gas prices, and other things that I could not control. Presidential elections, end of the world, death, chaos in the world, kids committing suicide, and everything else in between.
As an adult, the first real time that the "ugly monster" reared it's ugly head was right after I had Jagger. I had no idea what was going on with me. I hit rock bottom, and had no clue what to do. This was the first time, I had to get medical help. I remember being so embarrassed going to a doctor to get help. I had went to our pastor, and he was the one that told me there was nothing to be ashamed of. Getting medical help for this did not make me any less of a Christian. (yes, that was something else I was battling in my mind! How could I be a Christian. have a relationship with Christ but still have depression and anxiety?) The doctor was so good to me. I remember filling out a survey about myself and things that I had faced within that year. Marriage, moving to a new state/home, death of a grandparent, becoming a stay at home mom after years of working, and a new baby. I was sitting in the doctor's office crying, asking, "what is wrong with me?" The doctor went on to explain that just facing three of these was enough to throw a person off, let alone 5 of them. I left there feeling better just knowing that there was a reason I was feeling crazy. I started medicine, and began the process of healing. About a year later, I was off of medicine and feeling much better. The next few years were not bad. I do not remember any major times the ugly monster came out to show his face. Then came Hudson. With my history, the doctors immediately put me on medicine. I am beyond happy that they did, because I had no idea what we were fixing to face. It was a long couple of years!! I felt like most of those years were truly spent just focusing on Hudson and his health. Its so weird because at times I look back and do not remember much about him being little. I don't remember a lot of his firsts? (this gives me anxiety) I don't remember playing in the floor with him as a baby. Was it because we were so caught up in his health? Who knows. I just thank God that we are were we are today. He is an amazing fighter, who gives me inspiration every day.
The last few years my battle with the monster comes and go. There is no rhyme or reason really. I can go months without any problems and then boom, he comes out to play. Some times its extremely easy to push him away, and other times it's a struggle. Back in October, I hit rock bottom again. My uncle passed away and it brought out a lot. Panic attacks like non-other. Waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, shaking uncontrollably, and crying that wouldn't stop. Fear of being alone. Obsessive thoughts that would NOT go away. I literally clung to my bible during that time. I would sit in the chair and hold it. Many times, I had no idea what to say except the name Jesus. Thank God he brought me out of that ugly time. It was a long couple of weeks. I really have no explanation of why it happened. I just know it was real. Winter has been on hard on me this. I am not really sure why. Possibly the thought of my uncle lingering in the back of my mind, and now we are facing new problems with our kiddos. This past weekend, I was in bed all weekend with my mind going fifty million different places. I just wanted to sleep. If I am a sleep then I don't have to deal with my mind. I don't have to deal with not being the best mom I can. I don't have to deal with explaining why I the tears are there for no reason.
Am I proud of the "ugly monster" I face? No. There are many days I question, why me? My life is amazing. I have a husband who adores me and our kids. I have two precious boys, who are beyond healthy. I am surrounded by family and friends who show me more love and support than I deserve. So why me? I have no answer for that. I do know that it is not something I want. I pray daily that God will heal me from this and that this monster will never show his ugly face again. Until then, my main goal is to face each day knowing that I have a loving Savior who will never leave my side. I want so many others that have an "ugly monster" to know that they are not alone. Talk about it. I know its hard and many people want to hide it, but that doesn't help the situation. Dig into scripture. Memorize. Memorize. Memorize. When the ugly monster does come out, you have a way to fight! Anxiety and Depression are a real thing. It is something that unless you face it, you will not understand it. It's as real as any other disease out there. If you know anyone or you face this, please know you are not alone.
Hope everyone has a super day!
Lots of love.....
Your post spoke to me, as if you somehow have a camera in our home! If you asked those who know me (fairly) well...they would likely never guess that this is my daily struggle. But it sneaks up and will attack from any angle when you least expect it!
ReplyDeleteWhen we had Faith, I struggled with what I now know was post partum depression. Like you, I don’t remember a lot those first few weeks...but things settled down and stabilized and all was well. We tried for another baby for 5+ years, but my different conditions just didn’t help.
But then we (surprisingly) became pregnant with Christian after (6) years of struggling with infertility. And it was an entirely new ballgame. A high risk pregnancy, multiple episodes of pre-term labor starting at 28 weeks—-meds and hospital stays to stop said labor until finally our little man was born at 35 weeks (nothing like your experience—-I couldn’t imagine and just praise God for all he’s done for y’all!!!)
Christian became very sick soon after birth. “Sick” quickly became our new normal without any explanation. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high. C averaged 2-3 infections every month, starting at 1 month old. We lived at the pediatricians office, but no answers. Many infections, 4 super scary hospitalizations (including one where he became septic, almost died) and 4 surgeries later, we finally have a diagnosis/es and started a treatment plan that we pray will help our little guy.
I know I’m supposed to put my trust in Him and know He will carry me...but, like you, My very OCD/Type A/Planner personality has such a difficult time letting go and letting GOD. It is a daily struggle. Health stress, work stress, financial stress, marriage stress, typical female stressors (comparison, “am I good enough”, friendships, etc).....it is so hard! And the spiral just continues—-especially when you get so down on yourself for NOT giving it to the Lord!
It is very refreshing to read your perspective, knowing that though some of us may LOOK like They have it all together (myself included sometimes) it is just not the case. It’s so hard for me to admit these struggles in particular—especially with all the judgement and comparison mamas face already!
Great post!! Such a good topic that I would
Be willing to bet a lot more women experience than typically share.