4 Years!!

Well I am just going to go ahead and start by saying I cant stop crying! Yes thats right, and its a good thing the Ipad has a screen protector on it because the tears and snot are all over it (not really..i have already cleaned it) and this is not over Hudson. Its over my sweet Jagger! I keep telling myself this is ok because in the Bible Jesus wept, so its ok for me! Today is Jagger's 4th birthday! I can not believe my sweet blue eyed boy is 4! Where have the years gone? Through this whole situation I feel that I have handled everything pretty well but honestly tonight I am upset! I am angry. I am suppose to still be pregnant and at home. Tonight I would be blowing up a ton of balloons and putting them in his room so when he woke up it would be balloons galore ( thank you pinterest!) but Im not! Im sitting in St Louis watching and praying over Hudson! I know I am being selfish but it kills me I can not even hug my baby boy on his Birthday! No hugs, no cake, no presents..nothing! As I sit here, I know this is all in God's plan and believe me when I get to Heaven this will be the first thing I ask him about! :)
Again I know Im just being selfish because Jagger is coming up on Friday so we can celebrate but I just need to vent and feel sorry for myself! Of course right now there is no other place I want to be than here beside Hudson because as a mommy thats what I need to do! He needs me right now, but I am ready for all this to be over so we can be a family together at our home!
Hope everyone had a blessed day!