Faults!

Faults...I think this is a word none of us like to hear because we all want to think we are perfect! I have some news for you! None of us are perfect! I am not perfect, and really don't want to be. I think the older I have gotten the better I have accepted my faults. I know I have them and one of my main prayers is for God to help me become a better person, faults and all! There are many things that I am constantly working on with myself. I never want to hurt anyone or do things on purpose. Last week it was brought to my attention that I have not been the best of friend. I was very heartbroken. I never meant to hurt anyone, and the only thing I knew to do was pray about it. I instantly felt better knowing that God was with me.

* I am so horrible about answering the phone. I do not do this on purpose. I will lay my phone down and not pick it up for hours at a time. I am one of those that would be very content if phones did not exist. Sometimes I don't answer because I don't have my phone and sometimes its just because I don't want to talk.. I know this makes me look horrible and this is something that I am truly working on!
This whole phone thing seems to have gotten worse when Hudson came along. Over the last two years, it has been so many ups and downs. There have been days I just wanted to stay in bed all day with the covers over my head, and not speak to anyone. This last spring and summer were pretty rough on us. We were all sick and it was just beating me down. Every two weeks, Hudson was getting sick, and I ended up staying sick a lot.  Between the sickness and all the bills that still were rolling in, I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I was starting to fall back into the ugliness of depression. I really did not want to go down this road again, but the truth was it was happening. Yes, I have been there before and its not fun. You can read about it here.
It truly has been a trying two years. You would think after two years, I would be fine and living perfect, but there are nights I wake up crying because I see Hudson gray and flat lining. I see Jagger being pulled off of me screaming down the hallway. I hear Matthew crying because the doctors ask him who he wants to let survive. It was not a fun situation for our family. Hudson and I both looked death in the face. I think the whole time we were in St. Louis and even a year after, I never "dealt" with it. I just pushed it all away and did what I had to do- take care of a husband and two boys!
The last two months I have felt more like myself than I have in a long time! I have had to spend a lot of time in prayer, but I refuse to let Satan steal my joy and the precious time I have here.

*Jealousy- I am not proud of this one. Now,when I say jealous, I am not meaning "mean jealous", if that makes sense. It never fails with me, I will want something and then Bam, someone around me gets it! Many times I think this is God telling me that I do not need this thing, and I need to be happy for others and what they have! I feel so selfish and yucky admitting this, but I think we are all guilty of having the "wants"..

*Short tempered.....This one comes natural.. It stems back to my maiden name- Bennett. We call it the Bennett temper! If you are a Bennett, you have it! (I'm starting to scare you, huh?)

*Stressing over the small things- I am getting better since Hudson came along, but I have been known to worry so much about details, I forget to enjoy the moment. Who cares if my house is dirty? Who cares if the laundry is all done? Who cares if the boys birthday parties are elaborate? Who cares if Johnny the Elf doesn't do amazing things every night during the month of December? I am so tired of Pinterest and other things telling me if this or that isn't done, I won't be happy. I want to slow down and enjoy every moment regardless of what gets done.

I could probably go on and on about my faults, but these are the main ones I have to pray about on a daily basis. I hope you do not think I am a crazy psycho after this, but instead you can totally relate. We all have faults and again no one is perfect! I think most importantly we know our "less than perfect areas" and try our best, with God's help, to move forward and become more like Christ.
Hope everyone has a blessed day!
Lots of love..