Saturday, April 16, 2011

Depression- A Very Ugly Monster!

well, I didn't really expect to talk about this so fast but I have gotten more text messages and emails about the post about depression/anxiety..and I didn't even write that much about it! I feel God is wanting me to do this so bear with me. This is a tough subject for me. I may even have to do two parts because there is so much I want to say!
Depression is very real and it is a "monster" that lots of people face! Depression is a battle,  it is a tough one, and you have to fight it! Now that I have been dealing with this for awhile, I step back and it is easy to see how depression/anxiety and worry can develop in people so fast! I mean look at the world we live in- we are faced with pressures every day to drive certain cars, look a certain way, wear designer clothes. Gas prices are insane. Everything is expensive. We have busy lives. All we hear about is war and all the bad things going on. Some of these things are things we can control and some are ones we can not.
I finally hit "rock bottom" about a year ago. For along time I was in denial about the things that were going on inside of me. I would sit in the bathroom for hours and cry, but yet I thought I was just having a bad day. I would take one of those depression tests at the doctor and answer yes to all but 2 of them (I think if you answer yes to more than 5 then you have the signs), but I would still say that I wasn't depressed! The crazy thing is that yes, I would smile and yes, I did laugh but it didn't happen often! I am not quite sure when all this started for me but I think it goes back a long way! I have always carried the characteristics of anxiety/worry! thanks Mom! My mom has always been a worrier!
I remember being younger and something would happen and I would just have these feelings on the inside that I can not explain. It is actually very sad to me now to know that this was happening to me! Now don't get me wrong, I was and always have been a happy person. Growing up, I lived in a happy home with parents who loved me.
One of the first times that I had a "spell" (this is the term I am going to use for getting really down, having anxious feeling/worry) was when I was in my first year out of high school! First, I did not grow up in a home where we went to church. I know this is something mom and I have talked about now and she regrets it. She did teach me things about the bible so I knew some. I did go with other kids to church and would go to VBS..where I got saved! So there is some background.....anyways, back to what I was saying, I was sitting in my room one night and flipping through the channels I came across some show about 2012: The end of the world! My mind immediately started going. What??? End of the World? what is this show talking about.. I have never heard anything about this....How can this world end, it is so wonderful? I love my life? blah blah blah! The thoughts never quit...This is when I also learned about The Second Coming! This is embarrassing now, but for 3 or 4 days I sat around and cried. I was scared. I had no clue what any of this meant! Well, after that I got over it....and time went on. A few years pasted, and then while at college, Hurricane Katrina happened. Boom! Gas prices sky rocketed,lots of tragedy, and  people were talking about Jesus coming back! Well, my anxiety came back! I didn't even want to leave the house! After this "spell", I think this is when things really started getting me! I would worry about everything. Mostly things I could not control! The news was getting the best of me ( I do not watch the news now because it is crap! and even if I have it on for 5 minutes it brings me down)! I would go in the bathroom, shut the door and cry! Like the bathroom is going to save me!!! hahah ;) So, time went on again, I got better! Life got better! nothing crazy was happening, I got a wonderful job where I could buy tons of shoes! Thank you Aldo! and I met an amazing man, who is now my husband! Before we got married, there were days I could feel the monster trying to get me! It was this ugly, sad feeling that would try and take over! I didn't know where to turn! After Matthew and I got married, and I moved to Kennett that is when things turn for the worse! Sorry, Kennett nothing against you! ;) I was in a new place, I didn't know anyone, had no job, pregnant, so many new things. I didn't know how to handle and then on top of that gas was almost $4 a gallon! I sit here and cry thinking about the way that I felt....I hate that I had to worry and stress about things, and I hate for Matthew that for the first part of our marriage I was such a mess!  It is such a sad thing. Its just a feeling that can't be described. After, I had Jagger the "spells" got worse. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry. I was absolutely miserable and had no where to turn! Matthew and I finally got with our pastor to talk about some things and my problem got brought up! He told me that what I was going through was not normal and that it was ok to get help! Well, I was still in denial! I did not want to face this and say that I was dealing with depression! A year went by- I had good days and LOTS of bad days! My marriage was going down the drain, and I was sick all the time. Finally, I got so sick I had to see a doctor! While at his office, I finally decided to face this "monster". Once I got the first word out , it all came flowing out. I sobbed to him for over an hour! He looked at me and said, "Megan, you are dealing with depression". Wow! Ok, I knew this but to really face it was hard! He told me there are 6 major things that can cause major stress which can lead to  depression: moving, getting married, having a baby, being in jail, loosing a parent, and loosing a job! Well, I had 5 of them! I moved to kennett, got married, had Jagger, didn't really loose a parent but it felt like I did because I am so close to mom and dad, and then I went from having a job since I was 14 to stay at home! After this visit, I came out feeling like a new person! I think just being aware of it helped so much! This is something so many people deal with but it is just being aware and knowing how to handle it! I have come SO far since that visit! I feel like Megan again! I feel that I can face a day and be happy! I know that God put me on this Earth to be happy and not sad! I feel that it breaks God's heart to see people go through depression. This is not what he wants for us! He put me here to enjoy life, and that is what I am determined to do! I am going to end this for now...I will be back to do another part!
Please keep this post in your prayers!
Have a blessed day!!!

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