Mommy of Two!!

Wow! I can't believe I am a mommy of two! This is honestly something I never thought would happen! If you would have ask me in high school about my future I would have told you I was gonna be the last one in my group to get married and then probably not have kids for a long time! Wrong! We( my three best friends in high school- Amy, Sarah and Amber) would all say I would come to the ten year reunion not married, have an awesome job and riding a motorcycle! Well lets just say I will be coming but I will be married, a stay at home mommy and driving a Honda Odyssey! Hahaha far from a motorcycle or two door sports car! Isn't it funny how you dream things up and then when you look back you think why in the world????
So anyways, the last few days have been nothing special! I have not put on makeup since last Wednesday! I have worn yoga pants and big tshirts everyday and even then I am sometimes changing more than once because of all the spit up!!! My hair is frizzy and thrown up in a ponytail! I am not getting much sleep but not one time have I been upset! The minute I start kind of wanting to complain about getting dressed or not getting sleep , I am quickly reminded about even getting to be home! We could still be in St. Louis, but we aren't and I am so grateful! Hudson is finally getting "use" to home! It was an adjustment the first few days. I can't imagine what he was thinking going from 4 months of hospital to home! Quite the change! And Jagger he is still adjusting to big brother! He has done really well but he gets stir crazy staying inside so it has been nice that Grandma can come get him for a few hours.
Today Jagger wanted to hold Hudson and as soon as I put Hudson in Jagger's lap, Hudson could not take his eyes off Jagger!! He is so in love! Of course I can keep from tearing up because this is a moment that several times I thought may never happen! God has blessed us in ways I can't even imagine! I just continue to pray everyday that this whole thing is bringing honor and glory to him! It has been crazy insane looking back over the months but I do think we are stronger and I feel he still has more in store for us! We probably will never understand any of this and really I don't know if we are suppose to! All we can do is trust that this was all in God's plan for us!
Well time to get ready for next feeding!!! :)
Hope everyone has a blessed night!! Lots of love!

Adjusting!!!

Well we are FINALLY home and adjusting! We got home around 1030 Saturday night! We were definitely not planning on getting home that late but as i have said several times during all this, we have learned that a lot of times things wont go as you plan..but you just put a smile on your face and go with it! We were getting ready to walk out the door of the hospital, we had everything ready and we were fixing to switch Hudson over to his portable tank. We get him hooked up and guess what there was a leak!!! At first we thought well if it is small enough we could make it home and then get him on his big tank! Wrong...it was huge! The therapist said we would go through both tanks and then probably not even make it home! We would end up in a hospital on the way home! This was not an option! The only reason there was a leak is because the company forgot a tiny washer that screws onto the tank! So here we are at 3pm on a Saturday needing a part! Well as you know this is nearly impossible! Matthew calls the emergency 24 hour number and get an answering machine! He leaves a message and someone calls back 1 hour later! So much for emergency!!! 3 hours later we get the part and finally get ready to leave!
I can't even explain the feeling I had when we were leaving the hospital! Lots of different emotions! Overjoyed because we were finally leaving and officially a family!! Sad because we were leaving some amazing people that have become a part of our lives! Nervous because we were bringing home a baby that had just as many machines and tubes as he did in hospital and we didn't have any nurses and doctors to come to our rescue! The ride home was very long and tiring! I sat in between the boys and during the ride we had to stop twice! When we finally got home we were all exhausted and still excited! Hudson would be in our house for the first time! We get everything unloaded and get Hudson situation on his home machine. We turn it on and it starts filling the room with the smell of cigarette smoke! Seriously??? This is the last thing we need! We decide to put him back on the portable tank and take him living room! Matthew finds a 24 hour number,to call! We get ahold of a man and he says he he will go to their store and bring out a new one! At 1:15am he shows up with a new machine!!! Needless to say sleep was slim to none that night! Hudson is already on a some what schedule from the hospital! He eats about every 3-3.5 hours! The last couple of days have been good! We are just trying to figure out what works for our family! I have figured out its easier for Hudson and I to spend all of our time in living room! Its too hard to move all the machines and cords so the recliner has become my new bed! Hey whatever works!!! I have been very happy because the last two nights I am averaging 4-4.5 hours of sleep, which is better than the 1-1.5 the first two night!!
We also went to our first doctors appointment this week! That was quite an adventure! We had so many bags and other stuff! Jagger had all of his stuff and the Hudson has about 2 arm loads of stuff! I am glad that we are homebound because there is no way I could load and unload all this stuff all the time! Not only do we have doctors appointments to work around but we have VNA that comes out during the week! So between all the feedings, diaper changes, pumping, and giving Jagger attention , I think we are getting somewhat adjusted! I know this is horrible but this morning was the first morning I actually had a chance to have my own quiet time and boy did I need it! I know God has been with me these last several days but there is nothing like using special time for prayer and bible study! It definitely helps in renewing the spirit!
I still can not thank everyone enough for all the prayers, words of encouragement, thoughts, cards, and many other things that everyone has given us during this time in our life! We thank God everyday for all the wonderful people in our lives! We are truly blessed!
Well time to spend a little time with my big guy before little one wakes up!!
Hope everyone has a blessed day!

Frustrating!!!

I was hoping we would be home by now but we are not! The date has changed several times and I realize the only person who can tell us when it is time to go home is Hudson! This all has probably been the most frustrating part of the whole deal! We had originally scheduled all the training for the 19th and 20th of the month! Then they came in and said no he is going home Monday. Thats when we started running around like crazy rearranging schedules so we could get up here to do the training! Monday came and went! Then they were telling me Thursday or Friday of this week! Thats all great but in my mind I am trying to coordinate all this because I have a ton of stuff from Ronald McDonald that needs to be moved home and then Matthew needs to take off work. We also have get ahold of the oxygen supply place so they can come out and set his in home tanks up, we have schedule first doctor appointment, and several other things that cant be done until last minute! If you know me then this is not good for me because I am a planner! I kind of like to know if we are coming or going! I don't like all this back and forth business! I would rather know the day before we are leaving...not all this guessing!!
Yesterday was the first time I had to deal with a mean doctor! He really hurt my feelings and almost made me cry! He came in Hudson's room all cocky and like a drill sergeant! He even ask me what made me think we were going home on Thursday? Thankfully the nurse stood up for me and told him we were just going off what everyone had told us! I just wanted to scream at him and tell him that we had been here 120 days.....This is no new ballgame for us! I didn't say much but lets just say he is on the top of my prayer list! :)
So everyone has been asking when we are coming home?? The answer.. We don't know! Soon hopefully! We are just taking it one day at a time! Hudson has to be able to take all feeds by bottle within a certain amount of time( sounds like a race huh? If he goes over 30 minutes they say he is burning it all of and we don't want that!), and he has to gain a good amount of weight every night! Sounds easy!! Not! Today i was almost in tears again because he took all of it but about 15cc's then just pooped out on me! Thats the first bottle he has done that on in 24 hours! Praying the next one will go better!
Hope everyone has had a blessed day!
Lots of love..

New Ways!!

Well I have missed blogging the lat few days but it has been craziness up here! We are so close to going home we can taste it!! :) We are still not 100% sure when we are coming but we are hoping within the week. Hudson will be the one to tell us when he is ready. We had first thought tomorrow but obviously he was not happy with that day so it has changed! It is still unreal that we are even getting to talk about coming home! It seems like yesterday I was just getting airlifted and now here we are almost 4 months later getting ready to bring this sweet boy home!
Even though we are coming home, life will be different for us! I never realized how much "baggage" we will have! (Its not really baggage but I couldn't think of the term!) We are not just bringing home a full term healthy newborn! We are bringing home a baby who has been very sick and still has weak immune system and lungs. He has to be on oxygen at all times and basically we have to live in isolation! We are so excited about coming home but it will be alot for us! We will probably need more prayers now than before! We will not be going anywhere for several months except to the doctor. We will have a doctor appointment within a week of coming home then we will come back to St. louis a few weeks after that. This weekend we learned how to use his portable oxygen tanks and the apnea monitor. We also went through CPR training which was a huge eye opener! It is very scary. We were also told we have to be in touch with the local fire department to let them know we have a special needs baby who is on oxygen and then we have to call City Light Gas because his oxygen tank for home runs off of electricity! If we ever have power outage they have to get to us quick! I also have never realized how scary germs are! Yes with Jagger I made people wash their hands but this is a whole different game! If he gets sick we end up back at hospital, so it is crucial we keep him isolated for several months! Eventually he will be exposed to the outside world because we realize thats just life and we cant keep him in a bubble forever but the first couple of months are critical! So please dont be upset with me if I ask you to germ-x, scrub your hands, wear a mask if you have the sniffles, don't answer the door, keep Hudson covered so no one can touch him, or any other crazy things- its not because I dont love you, it because I am watching out for my baby's life! I would rather be crazy overboard with rules now then come home and a month later end up back here in St.Louis!
Our family is so excited about this new chapter in our lives! We are so blessed to have such a great support system! We will never be able to thank everyone for all the prayers! I can't hardly wait for Hudson to meet all of our friends and family! It will be one glorious day!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!
Lots of love

Almost Over!

So I'm laying here in bed thinking about how close we are to coming home! It seems unbelievable that this nightmare that started on December the 18th is almost over! We had been told to expect sometime in May to go home! Ok I can handle this...this gives us time to prepare and get ready to bring him home! We could slowly start buying things here and there and plus it would give the builders a chance to finish the house( yes, we are in the process of building on.. What were we thinking?)so anyways, Monday I get to the hospital and Rebecca, our nurse practitioner, comes to our our room asking if I want good news or bad news? Immediately my heart sinks... What now? Bads news in the NICU is never good and its one of those things I want them to just lay it on me! Give me to me straight forward, no sugar coating or anything! So as I am preparing myself for what she is going to say she is smiling, she says what she is going to say and I would tell you but I honestly don't remember what it was. The good news was so good that I can not even think of what her bad news was? Must not have been too bad!! Her next statement was, "the good news is you are all going home Monday!" I just stood there. No response. I couldn't even move! I am pretty I responded with, "What"? She said well aren't you going to say anything? I thought you would be so excited!! In my mind I was excited but in shock, I didn't know what to say!! She then informs me that I needed to see if everyone could get up here for CPR training and the oxygen/monitor training! I told her I would get on the phone and be back with her in 10 minutes!! I called Matthew. His response- Let me call you in 10 minutes, I need time to think!?? I called Mom. her response- WHAT? REALLY?? Oh my goodness and then I don't remember anything else because my brain was going crazy! Gigi was next. She responded with Yay! Just tell us when to be there. After i got off the phone with everyone, panic set in! My mind started racing about how we have nothing and I need to go home and finish everything. We need this and this. I had to stop, say a small prayer and hand it God! He brought us this far and now I knew he would work this out! I want to enjoy this moment we have been waiting on for 3.5 months instead of stressing out over not having any diapers at our house! Its so crazy what a new baby will do to your head! You think you have to have it ALL done and bought for them to come home but do we think that baby really knows if his nursery is finished and stocked with all the newborn essentials!? NO! So when my brain starts going crazy, I stop and remind myself none of that junk matters! The nursery doesn't matter. The house doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that we are finally bringing him home and all the rest will fall into place!
Please pray that Hudson does get to come home Monday! He has a lot of things to get done between now and then! He needs to be on 1/4th liter of oxygen before we come! They want him taking all feeds by bottle.. No tube! We have to go through all the trainings and pass them! And then he has to pass his car seat test! If he does all this with an A+ then they will send us home, if not it may be a few more days! Just whenever he is ready but we are praying for Monday!
Hope everyone has had a blessed day!

Forever Moment!

Today we had a forever moment! I like to say this when something happens that will FOREVER stay in my mind! Its my forever moment! Its one of those moments that you want to freeze in time and never let it go!
Tonight was the first time Jagger got to lay his own eyes on his baby brother! It was awesome!! We didn't get to the hospital until 6 because we had spent the day officially looking at baby stuff! As soon as they mouthed the words home, I got into baby mode! My panic set in and I realized I have nothing for this sweet bundle of joy! So this morning we set off in search of all the things we think we need to survive having a newborn at home! Thankfully this is our second one so we know most of it is a complete waste of money, but I am telling you after 30 minutes in Babies R Us, I was starting to get a headache! I get really overwhelmed when I am placed in a situation with a lot of choices...I mean seriously why does there need to be 20 choices of car seats...just give me two options and I am all good, but start throwing in different colors, sizes, weight limits, fabrics and that is when I start shutting down! My brain can't handle it! but finally with the help of Jagger who walked over to one and said this is the car seat he needs, we made a choice!!! He is already a great big brother! Once we finally got up the hospital, Jagger had decided he want to play on the playground but I told him to go in the NICU waiting room with me and we would see if Lisa would stick Hudson out in the hallway so he could see him! Jagger was excited when I even mentioned the word!Little did we know the surprise we were all in for! Luckily we are in the hallway right by the front desk so you can see Hudson's room as soon as you walk in the door! Lisa had told me before that the next time Jagger came, she would put Hudson out in the hallway so Jagger could see him! When we walked in, I sat Jagger on the desk and we waved at Lisa down the hall. I immediately ask if she could bring Hudson out to see Jagger! She started smiling and walked in Hudson's room! About 5 minutes later, she is bringing Hudson out of his room down the hall towards us! She had hooked Hudson up a portable oxygen tank so Jagger could see him up close! There is a glass door that separates the NICU and the waiting room..She brought Hudson right up to the glass door so these two brothers could lay eyes on each other! It was one of the most precious moments I have ever experienced! Jagger did not know how to express himself. He couldn't decide if he should cry or smile. He had a mixture of the two!and sweet Hudson, it was almost like he knew Jagger was right there, he was so alert, looking around! And while this is all going on mommy and daddy were crying! We finally had the feeling that in a few weeks we would have both of our boys together as a family! The love that Jagger already has for his brother is precious! I can not thank God enough for these sweet boys he has blessed me with!
I can not stop smiling about my forever moment tonight, and how far God has brought us! I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us and our family!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!
lots of love

100 days!!

100!!! A number that has never had meaning to me except that its the first 3 digit number, but today it means different! Today our Hudson is 100 days old! We have been in Cardinal Glennon for 100 days, then add on 8 days to that and that is how long I have been in St. Louis! I still honestly can not believe it. There are days it is still all a dream, but I will have to say that "knock on wood" we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! The oxygen setting he is on now is one that we can come home on! Yes, we will come home on oxygen and apnea monitor and we will basically live in isolation for several months, but I don't care as long as we are home! Yesterday marked a huge step because he got to try nurse (aka breastfeed) for the first time! It was great! I was so excited they even let us try! We have had to take everything out of his crib and now he is laying flat! They want it to be exactly like his bed at home so he can start adjusting!
We are definitely not coming home in a week but we are shooting for Mother's Day! That is our new goal, but I am secretly praying it is before then! :)
Hope everyone has a super blessed day!

Holidays!

Well we made it through another Holiday without our normal! I am really beginning to question what normal is? Is there really ever normal? I have always been one that loves normal and traditions but this has made me take a step back and realize that life still goes on when we don't have our traditions/normal! All of these holidays are just days! We can live with them or without them! The sun will come up the next day if we don't celebrate the normal way! I did get to go home for Easter, which made me so happy. I will have to say as much as I loved being home, half of my heart was still in St. Louis! Normally on Easter, I go all out! I love getting prepared several weeks ahead! Last year, I read Scriptures to Jagger everyday about what Easter is truly about and we celebrated on Good Friday with fun things to get us prepared for Easter. This year....none of this happened! I was lucky enough to get Jagger's basket together! During the drive back yesterday, I was thinking how Easter was not as good as last year but at least we all had each other this year and we have so many wonderful blessings to celebrate! I really couldn't tell you what we did this weekend but we were busy! We did our Easter fun stuff on Saturday!, which was great because we would have been rushed on Sunday! We had our Easter egg hunt that we always do, and this year Jagger LOVED it! He is getting to the age where he enjoys all the fun things that go along with Holidays! I sit around and daydream about what our Holidays will be like when we are all home together. I am pretty sure we will appreciate them in ways we never have before!
Hudson is doing good! He had a little moment over the weekend but he got over it fast and has been doing great ever since! Today they took him off of the bubble cpap! He is now strictly on oxygen! This is a huge step so we are keeping our fingers crossed he can handle it! So far he seems more comfortable than he was with cpap! He is so precious! I just feel so blessed to have another sweet boy in my life! God is so good! Still not sure when we will be home.. They haven't even started talking to us about it, so we will just continue to focus on this day and what comes with it!
Hope everyone has a blessed day!!!