Kids Say The Darndest Thing!!

This is my Jagger edition of Kids say the darndest things!! He has always been super funny and I could kick myself for not writing all of what he says down but tonight since he is with me I have to write about him!
* Jagger: "momma, what is that thing in daddy's throat that moves up and down?" Me: Adam's Apple! Jagger: Madams mapple?? Whats that? He gets quiet for about two seconds and before I can answer says, "I think it is a mouse in there!" Me: ok sounds good!!! A couple of days later he asks me if all boys have a mouse in their throats!!!

* We told Jagger we wanted to go eat at the Chessecake Factory and he was super excited! He had never been before! We walk in the doors, he looks around and says No I dont want to eat here! Where are the machines that make the cheese???

* Jagger: "Daddy, what are those sticks old people put in their mouth that are on fire?" Matthew: What? Jagger: what are those sticks old people put in their mouth thats on fire? Ricky and Everett(Grandpa's farm hands) at the farm put those sticks in their mouth!! Matthew: OH....sticks you should never try!! Cigarettes! We laughed so hard over this one!

* Jagger told Poppa that he got his own car! Pop ask what kind. Jagger tells him, " O, one that has all the windows busted out with trash bags taped to them to keep me warm!!"

* If we are talking sometimes Jagger will say, Guys can we change the subject?

* In the NICU to get in you have to have a badge and be over a certain age! This made Jagger very upset! We had told him he needed a photo id and be over 16 to get in! He walks up to the lady and tells her he is 16 and that he forgot his photo id in kennett! She cracked up!!!


There are so many more but my brain can't think! I love the mind of a child! The world would be a happy place if we could all think like them!
Please say an extra prayer for Hudson. He got his 2 month shots this morning and they say its really hard on them! He will probably not have a good day! :(
Hope everyone has a blessed day!

Why?

Why did this happen to us? Why did God choose us for this? Why are we having to go through this? Why, why, why???? These are things that go through my head alot! I have really had a hard time the last few days especially knowing that Hudson is almost 37 weeks(gestation age). I feel like for the 2nd time I have been robbed of something that is suppose to be so special-the birth of your baby! Many of you that know us or have read my blog know that I had a bad delivery with Jagger, and now obviously a crappy time with Hudson! I feel like God did not really make me to deliver babies! Several times over the last week I have gotten upset because I am suppose to still be pregnant! I am suppose to be at home getting a nursery ready and picking out cute baby stuff! I am also broken hearted because Matthew and I have officially decided no more babies! I cant stand the thought of putting our family and another baby through this again! My chances are extremely high of getting this again and I just can't even imagine it a second time! I know that is not 100% guarantee and God is in control but I feel he has blessed with two precious boys that we can enjoy!
I can not believe Hudson is almost 2 months old!! The time has truly gone by fast! He has had a really good weekend! Today he was worn out but still doing well. They noticed he was working pretty hard to breathe so they took xrays and found extra fluid on his lungs! They decided to bump up the lasix to get rid of it! Tonight at 9pm he was suppose to try and take his 1 bottle but he just couldnt do it. I dont think he had enough energy but the nurse said that was ok! We can try again tomorrow! So instead of worrying about he got fed through his feeding tube and I sang him to sleep! I was rocking him in the chair and singing Jesus Loves Me and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, the next thing I know the nurse is waking me up so we could put him to bed! Needless to say we both truly enjoyed the "cuddle" time! It was a great way to end the day!
I am also super happy because my Jagger is going to be up here with me all week!! :)
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Progress!

Well...Hudson is making progress and we are all so happy! I will have to say that I have been "walking on egg shells" the last several days! I guess I am so nervous that he might go backwards again! The nurse finally told me yesterday to relax! I had to pray this morning that God would help me to relax and to enjoy these good days! I know its just Satan trying to steal my joy but I am not going to let him!
Now saying all this does not mean we are coming home next week! We still will be here for awhile! :( this is the part I don't like. Just because he is doing better we still have to stay! He has alot more to learn and alot more growing to do! But I do feel we are heading in the right direction! He is the sweetest little thing! I just love watching him! Yesterday they took the top off of his bed! He is regulating his temperature so well he does't need the heat anymore! I love this because I can get closer to him. It is easier for me to talk and sing to him. He loves having the lid up. He just looks around and watches everything!
Well its time for me to get ready...I finally get to see Jagger today after two weeks! I cant hardly wait!!
Please keep up the prayers!!
Hope everyone has a blessed day!

Million Dollar Baby!

I never dreamed that I could honestly say that I have a million dollar baby! When we finally get done with this situation Hudson Lynn will be our million dollar baby! On day 19 of being in the hospital we were at $200,000, so we can average this out to $10,000 a day! He will probably be here around 5 months total so for all you math people that can do this in your head....It comes out to a very LARGE amount.....1.5 million to be exact! And that is without blood transfusions(we have had 4!) and all the other stuff! Plus we also have my wonderful medical bills!!! CRAZY!! I know you are sitting here thinking how in the world are they gonna do it??? I ask myself the same question alot but Honestly I have no idea! God will take care of us! He will show us the way, and actually since Hudson is qualified as "disabled" because of birth weight our social worker is saying we will probably get medicad or care which ever one! I cant keep up with all this. I am just so happy I have people here everyday that look after us!
The last several days have been really good! I know I have posted in a few days but I have been busy! Matthew was here with me then my best friend Jennifer and her mom came to visit! I have enjoyed being able to get out and clear my head! Day in and day out of sitting in a hospital room with no windows and lots of sick babies around you will start getting to you! Don't get me wrong I do enjoy my quite time but after awhile a break is nice! I am really looking forward to this weekend! My sweet Jagger will be here! It has been two weeks since I have seen him and its killing me! I can't hardly look at his picture without crying! I am just ready for the day our family is back together! Im ready for Jagger to actually get to be a big brother! I'm ready for our tears to be happy instead of sad! I know these days are coming and I try not to get down and out about all of it! The one thing I continue to tell myself is that God needs me here and not in Kennett right now! I know I say this over and over but please keep the prayers up! We feel them and I know they are working!!
Hope everyone has a blessed day!
Love to all!

Yay!!

Well today has been a fantastic day!!! The only way it would be better is if we were home! I got to sleep in this morning! Once I got up and got around, Lisa, our primary nurse, called and told me to hurry to the hospital because Hudson was going to be getting a bottle! Wooohooo this is awesome news! I jumped out of bed and hurried to the hospital! When I got here, Hudson was sucking away on his paci! It was precious! He loves it and when you take it out of his mouth, he starts reaching like crazy for it!
Lisa told me it wasn't quite time for his feeing but she brought me sushi for lunch so I would have time to eat before feeding! By the way, Lisa is amazing! We love her so much and I keep telling here we are going to win the lottery while we are here so that she can just move to kennett with us! After I got finished eating it was Hudson's turn! He did awesome! He only took 7cc, but he did great! His heart rate never dropped. His sats never dropped! He didn't spit up, so that means he was swallowing! We were so proud! After taking 7ccs he was exhausted! Lisa explained it wears them out bc they are working so hard! They have to learn to coordinate so many things at once! I was thinking to myself when we got done how this is something we take for granted. I can't imagine having to learn to eat, swallow and breathe at the same time. It doesn't seem like a big deal but its a huge deal!
The rest of the day has been uneventful! I have just been waiting in my sweet husband to get here! This is the first weekend we have been alone! If Hudson acts like a good boy then I think we might try a date tomorrow night! I am looking forward to that!
As far as sweet Jagger, he is having a hard time! He really misses me and cries alot! It kills me! I just feel like my heart is ripping out! Matthew was reading him his bible last night and Jagger started crying and told Matthew not to read anymore because thats what his mommy reads to him! :( Please keep our Jagger in your prayers! I just constantly pray that God will give him comfort to not be so upset! I am also hoping that next week if Hudson is still doing well that Jagger could come up and stay a day with me all by himself! We need some time alone! I think it would both do us some good!
Hope everyone had a blessed day!

Heartache!

Today my heart aches for my friend Michele and her baby boy Jackson! We have become good friends at Ronald McDonald! Jackson is not doing well and is basically given no hope. Tonight when she texted me, her and her husband were spending time loving on that baby! I am so happy they are given that chance! She is a wonderful woman and has a sweet family so please continue to pray for them!
My dad has been here with me over the last few days and he has just continue to make comments about how children/babies shouldn't be aloud to suffer and just how sad it is that there so many sick babies.....My answer everytime: Yes, dad is sucks but unfortunately it will continue to happen until we get to Heaven!! Won't that be wonderful! No tears and no sickness in heaven! Wow!!!
Today was a pretty quite day! Tomorrow will be the echo to look at his heart. I keep praying that God will perform a miracle and the PDA will be closed but if its not I know its all in his plan! Dad and I went and ate at a super cool place called Blueberry Hill- voted best hamburger in St. Louis! And yes it was amazing! This place is really old and has tons of music memorabilia. They also play alot of Elvis Music which I love! We then hit up the Disney store and got the boys a few "goodies"! My dad's thing is getting Hudson Disney stuffed animals for his room! So far we have Pooh, Mickey and Piglet! They are so cute and Hudson is fascinated by them when you put them up to his incubator so he can see them! We crack up! He always smiles at Mickey!
The rest of the day was pretty quiet! Dad and I read books while Hudson rested!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Food!!

Food.. If you know me then you know that I am a "foodie"!! I love Food!! I am almost obsessed. I have always had a passion for food. I like to cook it and I like to eat it. I love junk food, healthy food, home grown food, vegetarian food, frozen food, dessert foods, breakfast foods, and everything in between! I collect cookbooks and love spending time in the grocery store! I have even been known to ask whats for lunch while we are eating breakfast!!! :)
So while I have been here in St. Louis, I have made it my goal to find all the best restaurants and give them a try!! Hudson gets a new medical team every two weeks and new nurses every day so I have gotten lots of opinions! I have a restaurant list made so whenever someone gives me a suggestion I write it down! Several of the nurses laugh at me because they say they have lived here 20 years and never been to some of the places I have been! One of our nurses, September, says that I need to go to a Food Anonymous meeting... :) i just think I would make a good food critic! I have also learned that St. louis is the home to several food items: toasted ravioli, oooeey (not sure spelling)butter cake, ice cream cones, and a few other things I can't remember!
Today for lunch, dad and I decided to have BBQ! We went to Pappy's! Everyone we have talked to said its the best BBQ in St. Louis! Well guess what? They were right. That was some of the best BBQ I have ever put in my mouth! I will be going there again!
If you have been to St. louis do you have a favorite place to eat??

Hudson had a pretty good day today but as the doc said he got his "red bull" (blood transfusion) and is feeling good! You could for sure tell he was feeling better! He actually broke his breathing tube today! He is a very strong boy! I was not happy with him over this because they had to put him under to put the new one in and when he woke up he was very MAD!! The doctor had to give him meds to calm down he was so mad and then he fell asleep on us! He was so asleep while he was giving him a bath tonight he didn't even flinch! His arms were like noodles! We were cracking up! More than likely he will have to have surgery on the chamber in his heart! The doctor is almost positive that is why the murmur is so loud and why we can't get him weaned off the vent! We will know more Wednesday about the surgery! I am nervous about surgery bc no matter what it is a major surgery. Everyone handles things different but I guess it will be out of our control and i Gods! All I can do is pray and trust what he has in store!
Please continue to pray for my sweet friend Michele and her baby Jackson!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Oh Hudson!

I'm telling you, this little boy likes to keep us all worked up! I can tell he loves attention already! Right when I think we can breathe he likes to stir things up again! This weekend has been pretty good! Gigi, Pa, Jagger, Aunt Claire and Matthew have been here to visit. Hudson really didn't have anything major going on until this morning and last night. Last night when I called to check on him the nurse said he was not acting to good. I was kind of bummed but hoped by morning it would get better. This morning first thing Matthew called to check because we were not going to go up there until we picked my dad up from the airport! Wrong! Lisa, our primary nurse, said he was having a bad morning! My heart immediately sank and all I could think about was getting up there as soon as possible! But then i was also sad because I didn't want to leave Jagger! We get up to the hospital and he is stable! He had been having several episodes! These are not fun and I don't like being around when they happen! I feel so helpless standing there watching when my baby's heartrate drops to nothing and his oxygen is super low in the teens. I run out of the room and start praying! Its kind of become a joke between me and Lisa! Lisa is amazing!!!! I will tell all about her in another post! :) so anyways she goes on to say he had a couple of episodes and his xray was hazy looking, but at the moment he is ok! While we wait on the doctor to round, I am waiting on my dad to land at the airport and guess what its storming!!! And he is on an 8 seater plane! AND in Hudson's room we have no service! So I'm stuck in his room waiting on the doctor, trying to fund out about dad to make sure he was ok. For about 30 minutes I really wanted to scream! But finally dad landed safely and the doctor came in. They decided to go ahead and do a blood transfusion hoping he would feel better and this would help with the PDA in his heart! This will be his 4th transfusion since we have been in! He is up in his weight but we know its not correct because of all his swelling! They are giving him several rounds of lasix to try and get rid of all the fluid. So other than this nothing else major is happening. We will hopefully know Wednesday if they will do surgery! Still praying PDA will close on its own without surgery.
Also while we have been here I have made a good friend! Her name is Michele and she is from Paragould which is super close to where we live! She is a wonderful Christian woman who I care alot for. Her baby boy Jackson is not doing well. They need lots of prayers. Please check out her page on Facebook-Jackson's Journey!
I have learned and am learning everyday that all we can do is pray. In this situation, as a parent there is literally nothing you can do but pray. Doctors and nurses do everything for your baby and God is in control of the situation. You can't change anything. You just have to,pray and accept whatever happens- good or bad! Its all so hard and frustrating but we just have to trust him and know he is here with us and that his plan is for the best!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Surgery.

Surgery... Yes, its not a word I want to think about but I am! And if you noticed no exclamation point on the title. I think this is the first post out of 300 that has no exclamation.
The reason I am writing this is because the doctor and nurses talk to us about Hudson possibly having to have surgery on the PDA in his heart! They will go in and basically close the opening up. It is a 45 minute surgery. I can't stand the thought of this. The doctor said he would make a decision next Wednesday whether he will have it or not. They will evaluate him everyday to see if it gets better on its own. SO.. The major prayer request is that the PDA closes on its own and we don't need surgery!
Other than this hanging over our head and in our thoughts today wasn't bad. It was a very "quiet" day for Hudson and I. We both got alot of much needed sleep! Its amazing how you never realize how mentally and physically tired you are until you get a good nap! :) I felt much better after my long nap! Hudson slept alot today and when I was awake, all I did was stand by his bed and watch him! He is so precious and I can't wait for the day he has no tubes and wires! I can't wait for the day I can hold him whenever I want! I can't wait for the day I am not worrying over blood results and other things! I want our normal life back!
I know God is with me and we will get to this normal point one day, but everyday until I just pray God gives me the strength to face each day!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Rest!

Today Hudson was blessed with a "quiet" day! I am totally exhausted so I am happy nothing major happened and now I am in bed! Praying for a restful night for Hudson and mommy!
Hope you have a blessed night!

And Down We Go!

Well the roller coaster went down, down, down today! This was one of the crappiest days we have had, or maybe it just seems that way! It all started with the dreaded phone call in the middle of the night. This is the call to tell you something is wrong and they only call you during this time. We have learned no news is good news, and when they do call it makes you sick to your stomach. So anyways, we get the call saying his CO2 levels were pretty bad and that he was really struggling to breathe so they had to put the breathing tube back in. Not what I wanted to hear. I couldn't sleep after this so I got up to the hospital around 6am. The doctor came in and told me that they were going to try and figure out why he had such a bad night. They decided to run blood cultures to see if the pneumonia is still there. They had also done a chest xray which came back showing that the left and right lung was partially collapsed! Again.. Not what I am wanting to hear and mind you I am here alone. At this point I am not quiet in a panic. Around 7am our primary nurse, Lisa came in! I am so happy she was here with us today. During rounds, the doctor decided to run an echocardiogram to check the PDA in his heart. (FYI- A PDA is a disorder in the heart where one of the major blood vessels does not close off. With a normal birth this closes off within a couple of days. The treatment for this is a round of meds and if this does not work they will perform surgery*) They also had found out one of the cultures was already growing an infection so the doctor decided to start antibiotics. Once all this was done we thought we were good for the day except for some of the blood tests they had ordered. Hudson had a different plan. His breathing was up and down all day. He would go from 100 to 40 in no time, and finally around 4 he decided to code on us. I knew immediately it was time to leave the room. All I could do was cry and pray. Thankfully my sister in law was walking in the door at the same time! Thank you Claire for being here right when I needed someone! Also during this time the nurse practioner tells me that Hudson does have a PDA and its open! Booooo not what I was wanting to hear either! They talked to me about surgery and everything that will happen. We are not 100% sure if he will have to gave surgery right now. We will know tonight or tomorrow. So as of right now they are wanting him to rest and try to get his breathing under control. His poor lungs just need a rest! My heart hurts for him. I wish I was laying there instead of him.
It has been a pretty horrible day but I am thanking God we have just made it through. Tomorrow is a new day and I am praying that Hudson can rest and heal.

Super Bowl What?

Super Bowl What? This is how I feel this year!!! Basically I had forgot about Super Bowl. I had no clue who was in it or anything about it! Although, Matthew did tell me that the two head coaches are brothers! Pretty neat! I feel sorry for that mom. Who do you cheer for? I guess both! Its a win win!
Anyways, today has been pretty good! Nothing exciting going on! Matthew went back home so I was kind of bummed about that but by tomorrow I will be ok! After Matthew got gone I ran to Walmart to pick up a few things and then I went to the hospital! Hudson looked so cute in his little onesie! I love that he can wear clothes but it cracks me up that the preemie stuff is still alittle big! We didn't have much going on! Just quiet time in his room! I read my book while he napped. Once he finally woke up I got to change him and then hold him! I was so happy! Then i got him ready for bed! He is so sweet! I can't wait for him to meet his big brother! I know they are going to love each so much! Hudson has had two good days and this week they are planning on trying to wean him again on his vent. I am hoping he is strong enough to do this, but I have learned he will tell us really quick if he is not!
So through this whole thing, God has really been teaching me some lessons! First, I have never been known for my patience! Growing up my mom would also have to get on to me because I had absolutely no patience! I am pretty sure I get this one from my dad, but this is something I have prayed about for awhile! This situation has and is teaching me patience! Everything is so slow and Hudson does not progress over night! It takes time! You just sit around and wait! I am thinking after this I will be the most patience person ever!
Another thing I am very guilty of is always wanting control! I like to be in control- please dont take this wrong! I have always been independent. When something needs to be done, I do it! I have never liked having to wait around (there is that patience) for someone to do something for me! I just take control and do it! I do not like not being in control of my family right now. It hurts me that I have no control over my new baby! I just have to sit back and let doctors and nurses do what they need to do. I also have no control over Jagger. He is with Matthew and his grandparents! Its wonderful and I am so grateful but it does kill me at times! But I know that God is teaching me alot. It does make me feel good to know that I have completely surrendered everything to our Heavenly Father to let him take control! I guess in life we have to learn to let go and let him do what he needs to do with us!
I hope These two things do not make me sound like a horrible person. I just pray God will help me with them!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Just Breathe!!

And I wish I was talking about Faith Hill's song but I'm not! This are the words that baby boy's nurse was telling him while things started going down hill.....
Yesterday morning started out like a normal day. I woke up and got ready for the hospital. I was already nervous about the day because the doctor had decided this would be the day to take the breathing tube out and put him on Bubble Cpap- this is the least amount of help they can have and its just the small tubes that go in the nose! Its much more comfortable! But anyways, I was really nervous because I was afraid he was not ready but they didn't ask me what I think! :) Mom and I get to the hospital right in time for rounds and it was great because Lisa, our primary nurse, was back! She has been sick in the hospital so she hasn't been here! Lisa also did not think the bubble was a good idea but again what can we say?? The doctor comes around for rounds and says she put the order in and he is ready to go. Respiratory was in his room in no time with it out, and the cpap on! Everything went well and he was doing ok. Since he was doing ok mom and I decided to walk down to the chapel and sit there during Mass-I have never been to mass so this was an experience! We got done with Mass and came back to Hudson's room to get our stuff so we could go to lunch! We walked in the room, started gathering our stuff and all of a sudden Hudson's numbers slowly started dropping! So i just put my stuff down and sit on the couch. Normally they come back up but this time they didnt!! His heart rate plummeted and his oxygen level went almost to nothing. Lisa was in here thankfully and by this time she is picking him up, patting on the back, trying to get him to breathe.. I am in a panic now. I look over and my all I can see is Lisa picking up my baby who is now completely grey and purple and he looks lifeless! I just ran out of the room! I could't take it. By the time I made it to the end of the hall, I cried the hardest I have cried in awhile! I honestly thought God had decided his time was done here! My heart was broken! My mom was there holding me when one of the nurses came down and said they were able to get him stable! I wanted to throw up right there, and I didn't feel like doing anything. When I finally got the strength to come back to his room I couldn't leave his side! I just stood by his bed praying to God, thanking him for this precious baby!
That pretty much ruined the day for us! It was very stressful and sucked the life out of us but we made it through and every since then he has done great!! They still have him on Cpap but its just not bubble. It is a stronger machine!
He did good during the night and has had a much better day today! I know our Heavenly Father is watching over him!
Hope everyone has had a blessed day!