Hudson's House!

Hudson's Home is not here in St. Louis, it is in Kennett! I can't hardly stand calling this place our home! This is not home, this is just our temporary house! ;) So many people ask me what the NICU is like..Well first I call it the dungeon! We have no cell phone service and there are no windows in our room! It truly feels like a cave and that is why if I don't get out for abit I would go insane! We are really blessed in this NICU because we have private rooms! It is so nice having our own space! I can't imagine being in a ward style nicu for 5 months! The pictures aren't much but at least you can get an idea of "Hudson's House"!


Our Front Door! I normally have themed window clings on the doors but we are now just sticking with Cardinals!

We do have a couch..and the curtain pulls across for privacy!

sink area

All of the stuff drives me insane! His room gets cluttered so I am constantly decluttering! :)

His big boy crib!

Closet area!

Today was a pretty good day..nothing special..His rate on his cpap was turned down today so he was trying to adjust to that! He was working alittle hard so he didn't take some of his feedings. They will take a blood gas in the morning to see how he likes the setting. Worst case scenario..they will turn the setting back up! They also did an echo of his heart today to see how things are going there! Tomorrow I will get the update on that!
I am also super excited because mom and dad are coming up to stay with Hudson so I can go home for the weekend! I can't hardly wait to get home! I am super homesick!
Hope everyone has had a blessed day!

Blizzard!

Ok...I am really sick of this weather! It is unbelievable! Yesterday here in St. Louis it was gorgeous. Matthew and I kept telling each other that maybe the weather was wrong. There was no way it was such a beautiful day but they were giving out a winter storm advisory. Boy where we wrong! This morning when I woke up, I did run over to the window to see outside but to my surprise nothing! I just knew it had missed us! We got ready, threw our bags in the car and met Gigi and Pa at the diner for breakfast! Just as we sit down to eat, the snow started falling. It was not just slowly coming down, it was a blizzard! I could not believe it! Here I am 13 hours later and it is still going crazy outside! I really think mother nature is confused because here we are almost at the end of March getting a huge snow storm! This makes me miss home even more!

This kind of shows how deep the snow was around 830pm..

 

Despite the nasty winter weather today, we had a good weekend! I had already decided the whole weekend would be all about Jagger! I missed my guy so much. I told Matthew if he wanted to go to the hospital and see Hudson I would stay and entertain Jagger! As soon as I saw Jagger on Friday the tears came! It is the most special moment when you haven't seen your baby in 2 weeks and then the minute you do, he runs up to you with the biggest grin and puts his arms around you! My heart melts right on to the floor! When we got settled in, Matthew decided he would go see the baby while I stayed with Jagger! Jagger, Aunt Claire and I went swimming! We had such a good time. I  can not get over how well Jagger swims. It is so awesome to watch him! After over an hour of swimming we were tired and went back to the room! By the time Matthew got back from the hospital, Jagger was sound asleep in the bed beside me!
Saturday morning, we got up and met Gigi, Pa and Claire at the Diner for breakfast! It was so yummy and I was truly looking forward to some much needed family time! After breakfast we all went our own ways. Gigi and Pa went to the hospital to spend some time with Hudson while Matthew and I went our way with Jagger! We went to the mall to make some returns and try to find Hudson some new clothes! The boy has finally grown out of preemie clothes! I have been very hesitant to buy him a ton of clothes because the sizing! Today I put him in one of his newborn outfits and it was a little big but fit much better than preemie! YAY!
Around lunch, Jagger decided he wanted to go back to the hotel and swim! Matthew and I thought this was a great idea! We went back to the hotel and took a short nap before going swimming. The rest of the day was so relaxed which is just what we all needed!
Hudson has had a great weekend! Still no major improvements or changes going on. He is just hanging in there! He has been so alert this week! I am still praying everyday that we will be out of here by May, but we will have to see what God has in plan for us! Tuesday they are going to be doing an echo of his heart. This is routine for babies that have been on oxygen support for long periods of time. They will be looking for several different things. Just praying that we get good results!

Cheese!

Enjoying our time together!

Sweet Hudson! 87 days old!

He loves sitting in his chair!

Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Due Date!!

Today was the day that our sweet Hudson was suppose to enter the world but we know God had other plans! I can not imagine still being pregnant! We are so blessed to have another precious baby boy! Wow God is good! The last three months have been unbelievable but as I look back at how far we have come, it just seems like a dream!
Today was a great day! Hudson was so alert alot of the day! I kept telling the nurses he knew it was a special day! Everyone kept sticking their head in the day telling him congrats!! The actual due date in the preemie world is a big milestone! He has come so far, but we still have aways to go! We haven't even started trying to wean off the bubble cpap! We are still working on eating. He has done really well on his last several bottles so that is a plus! His weight was 5lbs 5.4 ounces!
I am really trying to continue to stay strong! I know things are going good and we are moving forward but I am truly missing home! I miss Matthew and Jagger so much! I am super ready for Hudson to get well so we can be home, but I know these things cant be rushed. I also keep reminding myself God is taking care of us and we will be home when its time! Please not only continue to pray for Hudson but for me and my strength!!
Not only did I have a good day with Hudson, but right now I am laying in bed holding my Jagger while he is sleeping! My night could not end any better than this!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!!

Grandma!!

I love my Grandma more than words can describe! We have always been super close! When I think of what a true grandma is, I think of her! She has always been there for me when I felt no one else was. I have always been able to tell her anything and everything and I never felt like she was upset or disappointed in me. My memories with her are ones I will treasure forever. We have never done elaborate things together, its normally plain ol' simple things- read, watch tv, cook, look at pictures, etc. When I was younger I would spend every spring break with her. We would go to town( town is 45 minutes away and that is where Wal-Mart is) at least one day while I was there. Then the rest of the week was relaxing. I would lay on the bed and watch her sew. We would watch movies together. I always loved when she would curl my hair, and scratch my back!! I would sit in the floor and have her curl my hair with rollers then have her scratch my back! We would go outside and work in her garden (this was not my favorite thing to do!), then At night just watch tv! Like I said it was never anything special but now I look back and would not trade that time for anything in the world! I hate that since I have gotten married I don't see her as often as I did, but I know she understands! She is 82 years old and still going strong. I have noticed she can do things like she use to but that is expected! I am very proud of her and can only hope I am half the grandma she is!
So anyways I went through all this to say that she finally got to come up and see Hudson. I wanted her to come before this but I wasn't sure if the time was right! Yes, i would have loved to have her here when I was going back for surgery to hold my hand with mom but I knew it would upset her! We have talked on the phone through all of this and shared many tears so I knew when she came up it would be emotional! Guess what?? The minute I saw here I cried! I couldn't help it! I felt like everything we had been through just came crashing down and I couldn't control it! She just held me out in the hallway until I was finished! My Aunt Ruthann was awesome enough to drive her up so they could visit! We had the best time! I didn't want them to leave today but I knew they needed to get home!
I thank God everyday over and over for the family he has blessed me with- on Matthew's side and my side!

Hudson update- doing well! He has been taking every bottle until today! He has really gotten tired! I got really nervous today about it because he done so good then today just almost gave out! They said this is pretty normal and that he has over worked himself! I think we are going to back off alittle and give him a break! I know his little body could use a break! :) he is finally growing out of preemie clothes! They are too short in the arms and legs! Yay Hudson!

I am so excited because I get to see my sweet boy Jagger tomorrow! It has been two weeks since I have seen him! That may also be why I have been emotional! I can't wait to put my arms around him and not let go!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Bubble!

I hate to admit this but I live in a bubble! I am pretty sure I am not the only person that live in their own bubble! Basically this bubble started with my parents! I had great parents who raised me in a good home! I knew what was going on in the world but not really! I don't think we ever have a true clue of what's going on in the world! As I have gotten older I find myself always saying, "That really happens?", or "People really live that way?". I guess being in this big city has truly opened my eyes to part of the world I never knew existed! This hospital has opened my eyes to what families go through with sick babies! This city has opened my eyes to see that NOT everyone is nice and friendly! I feel like my so called bubble has always "protected" me from the ugliness of this world! My bubble has mainly consisted of family my whole life. Now please don't think this means we only care about ourself because that is not the case. Im just saying that I have always sheltered myself with family so I would not be hurt or have to face the so called ugliness of this world!
It absolutely kills me when you have kids and people immediately start telling you its not good to shelter your kids!! I cant stand this! Why not shelter them?? This world is full of crap that I don't want them to be exposed to! If I want to homeschool my kids to keep them from being exposed to sex and drugs at a young age, why does this make me a horrible parent? (Im not going to homeschool but I'm just saying!) I think "sheltering" can be a good thing? I only want what is best for my babies and honestly I do pray that Christ will come back before we are faced with the major worries of your kids growing up! I never want them to feel pain, heartache, loss, rejection, and all the other junk! I know I completely sound like an insane overprotective mother! I promise I am not! I know that all I can do is pray for them and trust that God will protect them! I also feel I have to do the best I can as a Mother and trust that it is enough!

Ok enough of my rant for the day- not too sure where that came from!
Hudson is having a great day again! He has taken all feeding by bottle since yesterday afternoon! Im really hoping if he keeps this up then over the next day or so he can get feeding tube taken out! Tonight is bath night! Im looking forward to seeing how much he weighs!
Jagger!! My sweet Jagger... I miss him like crazy! I will get to see him this weekend but that will put me at two weeks! This morning when I talk to him, it took everything I had not to cry on the phone! He is such a sweet boy and I know he will be the best big brother!
Hope everyone has a blessed day!

Worry!

Isn't amazing how we as humans worry? Its just an automatic thing! I don't think we are even taught it we just do it! Some of us more than others! I have always been a "worrier"! The last several years I have been better and thats because I have learned to give it to God! I have also learned there is no need to worry over things we can't control. I was so bad when I was younger. I would worry about anything and everything.... Gas prices, weather, who the president is, end of the world, just absolutely crazy things that I had no control over! I look back now and think how silly it was but I couldn't help it!
This whole situation with Hudson has really opened up my eyes worry! Talk about worry...this place will make you worry! I have worried about blood gases, heart rate, infections, breathing, hearing damage, eye damage, learning disabilities, Jagger, Matthew, my new friends, money and bills (this one like I never have before!).things I didn't even know were out there to worry about. Some days are way worse than others but I have gotten so much better at stepping back, making sure its something worth worrying about it and then giving it to God. I think its the only way you can make through this or you would go crazy! I tell myself its ok to think about it every once in awhile but to just dwell on it and worry yourself too death will not fix the problem! The money thing has been pretty big deal! Its crazy expensive here and we even eat in the cafeteria and Ronald McDonald but the money for travel and then doctors bill are stupid insane. Everything I think about I am immediately given a peace from God. I always tell myself I'm not real sure how we will do it but I know with him we can! He will take care of us! So even though we know God will take care of it then why do we still tend to worry? What causes you to worry? How do you handle it?

Today has been a good day! Not much going on! We both have rested... Well he rested and I ate chocolate and read my book! :) not sure what his weight is today. We will find out tonight at bath time! He is now on q based feeding. This is where we feed him anytime he is ready! Basically is a series of questions and depending on how he scores that is when we feed him! The questions are something like how awake he is, how much he took at last feeding, etc.. After the last feeding he was almost in a food coma! The nurse and I got a good laugh out of it. He couldn't move he was so full and now he is passed out sleeping well! :) he will not be happy when we wake him for bath!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Big Plans!!!

So Matthew and I have continuously said that we know God put us in this situation for a reason! AND we know that reason is to bring honor and glory to his kingdom! We have had our struggles and our moments were we get mad at him for putting us through this(it makes me feel bad to admit this but what can I say we are human!)! I can say that we have seen God's handy work first hand many times! Its so awesome when you can step back and watch his work unfold! I do also know without a doubt that God has huge plans for our precious baby! I sometimes wonder if it will be plans that we even know or God will do his work and we may never know the FULL extent of it!
I feel through this Matthew and I have become stronger and when its all over I think we can handle just about anything! We might be gray headed because of the stress but at least we made it through. This week several babies have gone home and while I am super happy for them part of my heart hurts because I want it to be us! I love to see the faces of parents when they have their little bundle of joy in that car seat walking down the hall to go home! Its such a sweet moment! I will probably have black mascara running down my face from the ugly cry I know I will be doing! I sit here and dream in my head what it will be like when we get home! I know our life will feel complete!
I know I say this a lot but Matthew and I cannot thank everyone enough for the love and support you have shown us. Please keep them up! We feel them and know we wouldn't be here without them! We love yall so much.
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Thinking....

Today I have been thinking a lot about Heaven and End of Times! Not sure why but its on my mind! This is something I use to be terrified to even talk about but I guess now I realize its something to be excited about! The other day I was telling someone that I am ready for Jesus to come and take us home. when I said it she looked at me and said that she wasn't because she still has a lot of living to do!! My response to this is our "living" hasn't even begun until we get there!! I also think being here around all this sickness at this hospital has made me realize how nice Heaven will be! I mean who doesn't want to be in a place with no tears, no preemie babies, no cancer, no abuse, no pain!!! I will take this any day! I just can't even imagine a place like this but I know I'm ready to be there! I can't stand to see sick children! It breaks my heart and also seeing the hurting families! I just want to cry along with everyone else! I think this is why I am not in any medical field! God knew I would get too attached!
I never want anyone to think I am being pushy or offending anyone! All i know is that with each day we are getting closer to the day Jesus will come for us! I want everyone to be ready! Even a non-christian can look around at this world and tell its getting worse! I cringe every time I see whats going on! It makes me ill to think my kids will grow up in such a scary dark world(even with all the bad there is still alot of good!!) so that being said if you have any doubts or anything about your salvation please talk to someone about it that can help you! You won't be sorry!!!
One of my favorite hymns! When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be. When we all see Jesus we'll sing and shout for victory!!!

Ok....... Hudson is doing well today! He had physical therapy today! He didn't do too good! He has kind of been grumpy today but thats ok! We all have our grumpy days! Last night when we weighed him he was 4lb 15 ounces!!! Hopefully at tonights weigh-in, he will finally be 5 lbs! Yay!
I cant believe his due date is next week! That just seems unreal that I should be pregnant! Wow!
Well hope everyone has a blessed day!

Learning!!

There is so much to learn with a preemie! Its different than a full term healthy baby! Most people never have a clue until they have to go through it! Today the nurse and I were talking and its amazing how many people think when you say the baby is doing good its time to come home or they aren't sick! Wrong!!! Having a good day here is not going back on the vent! Having a good day here is not dropping your heart rate! Having a good day is holding your temp! Our babies are still very sick! One thing that is super important is when we go home! These babies are not your normal baby. They tell us he does not need to go anywhere for the first 4-5 months. They do not need to be held by anyone who smokes-third hand smoke-it can send them back to hospital! When these babies catch just a cold its bad news! They will end up back in the hospital! We will probably come home on oxygen and apnea machine so life will not be "normal" for us for awhile' We will travel back and forth to St. Louis for a couple of years for check ups and regular routine exams to make sure he growing like normal! I look around at all this and it amazes me at God's creation and how a baby is suppose to be in the womb for 40 weeks! There is a precise reason for it! I know pregnancy is at times uncomfortable but it hurts me so bad when women say they are ready to have the baby early! Its not good! There is a reason you are suppose to stay pregnant for 40 weeks! I would give anything to still be pregnant! Not only do you have problems when they are first born, but some of the issues they don't grow out of and will follow us after we leave!
Hudson has been having good days! No major issues! He is still in bubble cpap! They have not even began to start taking him off of it! We are strictly working on feedings, which is tough! He is doing every other feeding! The feedings wear him out and sometimes he doesn't even want the bottle! Last night when I was feeding him he would drop his heart rate, choke and all kinds of other stuff! It was not fun, but we finally got it after an hour! After his feeding he is so worn out he just crashes! We have finally got to start listening to music! We have lullabies that are hymnals! I love them so much! He is in here snoozing and I am singing hymnals! Can't think of a better way to spend our day (well... Maybe if we were with home with matthew and jagger!)
As for Jagger he is doing well also! I miss him so much it hurts! We both had a mini melt down when I left yesterday to come back to St. Louis! I can't wait for the day we are all together!
Well time to get Hudson ready for his feeding! Hope everyone has a blessed night!

A Day In The Life...Nicu Parent!

A day in the life of a Nicu parent is something no one understands until they have been there and done it! I dont mean any offense to anyone but until this with Hudson we were "oblivious" to this world! We had no knowledge what went on in this world and honestly why would we? Jagger was born at almost 41 weeks and healthy as a horse! I know alot of people probably wonder what I do while I am there!
I wake up early (not every morning-I do treat myself to an extra hour once a week! ) and get ready! By this timeI have already pumped 2 times at least! Once before I officially get up and then before I walk out the door! (Pumping is not an easy job! It takes alot of your time up and especially when you stay consistent with it! I am pumping around every 3 to 3.5 hours! Ok enough about that Im sure that was too much info! But its alot of my day!
I grab a banana or a brownie :),whichever is available for breakfast and then I am out the door to the hospital! The hospital is only a block so its not far! Once I get there and get parked, I get my badge on to get inside of hospital! Everyone that walks through the door either has to have a badge or a sticker! Since we are long term we have lanyards that we wear! I have started walking the stairs now to the Nicu! I figure any exercise is better than none! When I finally get to the Nicu after saying Good Morning to everyone its time to scrub in! This is my least favorite part! There are 4 sinks set up with iodine packets to use for scrubbing! They want you to take off all jewelry and scrub up to elbows for 2 minutes! The iodine is horrible! My hands are very dry from having to use it so much! Now that my hands are all clean, its off to his room! As I walk down the hall my heart hurts! I look from side to side seeing hurting parents worried too death over their sweet babies! Its very heartbreaking! I not only worry about mine but I have made such good friends that now I worry about the others! As I walk into Hudson's room, normally his lights are off and he is all snuggled up sleeping good! His bubble cpap is making its bubbling noise and then his alarms are dinging too! Its never fully quiet, Which i am happy for- that would make me crazy! The nurse will always stick their head in and say hey! Then our day starts! The doctor and team normally makes rounds anywhere between 9-12! I dont like this because that leaves a pretty big gap! I like being there for rounds so I know what is going on! Rounds remind me of a tv show! Doctors, nurse, nurse practitioner, students, interns, etc! I really enjoy watching it all! Our day is full of the nurse in and out checking on him, doctors, physical therapist, speech therapist, social workers, lactation consultant, volunteers, cleaners, respiratory, eye exams, xrays...,etc! Constant stuff! Its overwhelming at times but everyone is super wonderful! I thank God for all of them and all the support they give us! After rounds I sometimes I get a quick cat nap in or if Hudson is doing good then the nurses tell me its time to get some fresh air- thats our code for go get some lunch and walk around Target or Marshalls! Thank goodness I got some gift cards for Christmas! I normally spend 1-1.5 hour away from hospital and then I head back! The rest of the day is spent helping as much as I can with Hudson, reading, visiting with the nurse and trying to make sure the everyone in the family knows what is going on! I normally leave the hospital around 10 at night sometimes later depending on if he is doing well or not! The days are extremely long and very emotional! Its amazing how you can have so many emotions in one day! We see so much come and go through the doors. Even when we have a small bad moment I have always felt God's presence with us! There are times when I have my mini melt down but he is there to pick me! I am still praying we are home by Mother's Day! They really are not telling us a date and I don't blame them! They don't want to get our hopes up! Its much easier to take it one day at a time and really thats how we are suppose to be with life anyway because we are not promised tomorrow! I just can not thank everyone enough for the continued prayers and support we are receiving. This is still a tough journey for us that will continue even when he is out of the hospital!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!

Happy Birthday Matthew!

Today is Matthew's birthday and it makes me sad that I am not there to share it with him! I guess one thing we have learned through all this is that a holiday is just another day! We have missed Christmas, New Years, Jaggers birthday, Valentines, Matthews birthday and probably Easter! God has shown me that these days are special but honestly they are another day! They come and go!
I sit here and think about Matthew and what we have been through over the past 5 years! It has been unreal! I remember when we first started dating, we would talk on the phone for 3 and 4 hours!!!! What in the world? Now I am like what would we talk about!! But that is what is so sweet about dating! Its so exciting and new! I never dreamed we would go through what we have been through but here we are 5 years later with two precious boys! I thank God everyday for Matthew! He is such a wonderful husband, friend, and best dad ever! My heart melts everytime I see him with Jagger! I fall in love with him all over again whenever he walks in the room! So many times I ask God why I deserve such a wonderful man in my life! I am truly blessed! Our marriage has not been a bed of rose but what marriage is! We have learned alot and over the last couple of years we have grown up and got stronger through each trial!
Matthew I know you are going to read this so I just want you to know how proud of you I am! I can only pray that our boys turn out like their daddy! They will make some lucky girls very happy (and their families too!!) i wish I was there to celebrate your special day with you. I love you more than words can say and I can't wait to celebrate many more birthday with you!

Hope everyone has a blessed day!

Road Trip!

Well today was the 1st day and time I have made the St. Louis trip by myself! First lets start with the weekend! It was a very bittersweet weekend for me! I was so happy to come home but then so hurt that Hudson is still in the hospital! Jagger and I got home Friday after lunch and I soon as I pulled into town the tears started coming! I cried the whole way home and then cried some more when I got into the house! It was the strangest feeling coming back into our house! I was so happy to see it! I just walked around for a few minutes looking at everything! I forgot how much I love our home! It looks exactly how we left it minus the Christmas decorations! Thank goodness they took them down for me...I was not wanting to come home to Christmas stuff! The nursery is still the same! The walls are half finished painted and there is nothing in the room! The plastic is still on the floor! I have nothing for this sweet boy( guessI will have to work on that eventually!) after about 30 minutes of getting adjusted I finally got to work! We had several piles that needed to be gone through! It felt so good to get that over with! The rest of the weekend was spent with family! We did nothing! Well...not exactly nothing but pretty close! We celebrated Matthew's birthday Saturday night! This included alot of laughs which was good!
Today was my first day back at church! I have never been so happy to be somewhere! I can not explain how much I love my church and church family! Our church family means the world to us! I just wish I could have stood in line and gave everyone a hug! I cried many tears at but Its ok! I even felt like the service was made for me! God knew what I needed!
I was really dreading my little road trip and trust me it was horrible leaving! Again I was being ripped!!! But I know what I have to do so I decided to make the most of it! Before I left I stumbled across the ipod we had been looking for! Perfect!! Music for the road! Little did I know that I would spend alot of my time crying! So many of the songs got to me and maybe because I was emotional already! I would go from bawling my eyes out to singing to the top of my lungs! I am sure people that passed me thought I was nuts but at least it helped pass the time!
I made it safe to St. Louis in time to see our little guy take part of a bottle before he passed out asleep! We got him tucked in for the night and now its time for momma to do the same!
Hope everyone has a blessed night!